The worst pizza in history

I could only gag down two slices. It's truly gross. 

So I left it uncovered on the counter all night and all through the next day.

And ate the whole thing through the day like a rat or a dog, even worse cold, stale and dried out.

Worst pizza fail ever. 


brio said...

You are too oblique. Why was it a fail? What did you do to it, what was on it?

Chip Ahoy said...

This hurts.

It's overbaked. Set the temperature to 420 and the timer to 20 minutes. I did not smell one single molecule. I would have jumped up at the first scent molecule. But nothing. So it burned until the timer dinged.

That's not so bad. I like burned cheese. But this is not good. Burned cheap cheese. Hard mozzarella. Just the block. It's crap cheese. I have good cheese but failed to use it. i wanted to try the block cheap mozzarella cheese. It's gross.

The sauce is straight tomato paste. That's the other problem.

I wanted a plain cheese pizza.

The bread is fresh and light and would probably be okay dipped in olive oil but utterly failed as pizza crust. It is 20% semolina and 80% white flour and oil for crunch. It's not bad by itself but just f'n awful with tomato paste and cheap mozzarella cheese.

I should have sprinkled Parmesan on it. That would have helped. Aging the dough overnight would have helped. Using a sauce instead of just paste would be a lot better. And finally the cheese, honestly, I don't know what to do with the rest. It's not even real.

There is nothing fresh on it. There is no meat on it. The oregano is insufficient. Every element is wrong.

There is a very wide margin for error when it comes to pizza. It's very forgiving. This is so far outside that margin that it hurts. Any frozen pizza is better.

brio said...

I don't understand. You seem to go out of your way to make a good meal (making fresh dough, fresh pasta, grinding popcorn, etc.), so why use straight tomato paste? It is horrid. Plain tomato sauce would have been better than that.

When I make pizza, I crank the oven to 550 or as high as it will go. It bakes in 10 minutes. It seems like 420 is awfully low to get a crisp crust and yes, even at that temperature, 20 minutes is too long.

BTW, why are you trying to gain weight? You've mentioned it several times, but I can't recall why you are losing weight with all you eat. Have you been to a quack (doctor)?

I've been visiting your site for years. I think I found it via a post at Althouse. The food blogs I visit almost daily are The Kitchn, you, David Lebovitz and Serious Eats. Good company.

Chip Ahoy said...

Okay, are these real questions or rhetorical? I cannot tell the difference.

And Hey! You leave my doctor out of this, he's a very good man. He asks the same thing.

The thing is, I just flat don't have a schedule and never will. Decades ago a guy I just met said, "Oh, so you eat to live, not live to eat." He's fond of snappy summations. But I must admit he is right.

My doctor asked and cannot comprehend because he's quite overweight and loos himself, why it is that I cannot eat anything unless I'm actually hungry. I just don't eat anything until my body tells me to do it.

And then I don't listen.

I starve for hours before I can be motivated to start scrounging.

For example, today I bought three hamburgers downstairs and gave two away. The people were delighted to have another meal just like that unexpected. They both scarfed them. But I was starving. My body was saying GET SOMETHING TO EAT and I'm all, alright alright already. And that was the only thing that I had. One hamburger. That's not enough .

I'm rather hungry right now. I think. I feel empty. And there is food right there already made but I simply cannot be bothered. I don't know why. I don't feel urgency or need.

And it's bad. I just now weighed myself. 143 LBS. Ten stone. At six feet, is very thin.

So basically at this point I think that can eat pretty much whatever I want. I'm not a fussy eater, for Pete's sake, I ate that awful pizza.

I didn't have any tomato sauce or else I would have used it. Why make a pizza then? Because I was fairly certain that I did have some onhand. I used it all somewhere. I had it in a couple places too.

You win some, you lose some. Tomato sauce is kind of wet. I'd actually prefer fresh tomatoes. I don't know why tomato sauce wins. In this case plain olive oil would have been better. That's not a bad meal.

Finally, another part of it is laziness. I have to clean up all this crap.

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